


dad jokes (should've titled this as 'edd jokes' but whatever)

by seokjynerso



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, also includes classic dad jokes, and poor tom and matt have to become his test audience, edd's going to be a dad, filled with dad jokes, painful puns from yours truly, so he needs some dad joke practice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 07:53:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13608912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seokjynerso/pseuds/seokjynerso
Summary: ❝ you got the best of me. ❞in which edd prepares a book of dad jokes while waiting for his first child to be born.





	dad jokes (should've titled this as 'edd jokes' but whatever)

_Tap, tap, tap._

The sound of shoes tapping on linoleum floor echoed in the waiting room. Matt found no comfort in the thinly-padded seat. The cold metal rails were digging into his sensitive skin. He was fidgeting, eyes darting like a wild animal from the door of the labour room to the sickly orange wallpaper adorning the walls. The turmoil in his mind was transferred to the soles of his feet as if he was able to kick it away.

Sitting next to him was Tom, his arms crossed. Matt's constant tapping was quickly added to the list of noises currently annoying him, along with the clicking of pens, the crash of sliding doors and unrelated names being called to the desk. He hated the atmosphere of the hospital. The collective worry of everyone in the room had collapsed on him. The wait was already a torment一another fine addition to his growing tension was the last thing Tom needed.

_That's it._

"Matt." Tom faced the nail-biting Matt, careful not to let his anger spill into his voice.

_Tap, tap, tap._

"Matt." Matt was too indulged in his worry to notice Tom calling his name. Tom could only grit his teeth.

_Tap, tap, tap._

"MATT! Would you stop that! You're getting on my nerves!"

After being ignored for two minutes, Tom dropped all pretence of being apathetically composed and yelled at his older friend. In a split second, the poor man flinched and stopped his tapping.

“Shh...” The nurse behind the counter glared at Tom as she looked up from her paperwork. Tom returned the glare with his own empty stare and muttered a flat 'sorry'.

Well, at least, Matt finally stopped tapping his feet.

_Tap, tap, tap._

I stand corrected, thought Tom before standing up with a huff. He had to get away from Matt before a ginger is rushed to the ER. Tom stomped towards the man in green hoodie to Matt's left and crashed on the seat beside him. Edd had kept himself busy by writing on his palm-sized hardcover notebook. His attention never left the book from the moment his wife entered the operating theatre.

'Edd Jokes: The Best of Me' was written in green pen on the cover.

"Really, Edd? At this time and place?" Tom asked with a deadpan expression.

"I'm going to be a father soon, so I'm preparing a dad joke collection I can use for my baby." Edd explained, a proud smile erupting on his face. "You can say that I'm building my own dad-abase."

Tom groaned. There are several reasons why he despised dad jokes: they're lame, cheesy as hell and giving him a heavy dose of secondhand embarrassment. But what else should he expect? After all, this is the same man who proposed to his now-wife through the phone, even though they were in the same room, just because he wanted to "give her a ring".

"Oh, come on, Tom! Don't be mean." Edd pleaded, "These jokes are better than average!"

Edd's widening smile was a beam of sunshine and Tom was sunburned worse than Matt in summer. Tom could feel his shoulders slackening under Edd's contagious enthusiasm, despite still hating the idea of becoming his test audience.

"Well, you already have the dad bod." Tom said teasingly.

"Do you mean..." Edd raised an eyebrow, "father figure?"

There's no denying that Edd would be the best dad ever. To him, spreading happiness and making other people laugh is one of the greatest joys in life. Give him a child and he would be the best playmate. He would entertain them by using his expressive face, telling some jokes or drawing funny cartoons. Maybe he's good with kids because it's his older brother instinct, developed after taking care of three younger 'siblings' for so long. Or maybe because he's a childlike person himself.

"Plus, this book can help me deal with my kids if they misbehave." Edd said, running through all his writing, "It'll be a good, harmless pun-ishment."

"Urgh…" Tom could feel the pain for Edd's future children already, "please don't…"

"What does a zombeh tunnel eat?"

"Edd, no一"

"TRAAAAAAAINS!" exclaimed Edd, his eyes rolled back, his arms hovering over his head.

The joke might be corny, but his zombeh impression was so spot-on, it made Tom chuckle a bit.

Edd produced a pen from his hoodie pocket and resumed jotting down his dad jokes. His face was so focused, it reminded Tom of the time when Edd chased down a truck full of cola. However, the illusion of seriousness was shattered when he tore a page off a book.

"Why did you do that?"

"The joke was tearable." Edd crumpled the torn paper into a small ball and threw it at Tom.

Tom caught the ball of paper in his left hand. "What's the difference between a bad joke and a dad joke anyway?"

"The first letter." Edd answered, then turned to the page he'd just written. He inched closer to Matt and nudged him in the ribs. The anxious man jumped at the sudden touch.

"Hey, Matt, here's one for you. What would happen if humans have two noses?"

Matt rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh..."

"No one nose!" Edd spared no time for Matt to give his own answer. Amazed by his own linguistic genius, he slapped his thigh and let out a loud, hearty laugh.

"Shhh, Edd!" Tom placed a finger over his lips, "We're in a hospital!"

"You think I don't know what a hospital looks like?" Edd retorted.

Tom scrubbed a hand over his scrunched up face.

Edd opened his book to a new page and cleared his throat. "Do you know why Tom shouldn't be around when someone's getting killed?"

Matt shook his head.

"There'll be no eye witness to the crime!"

Losing his last shreds of patience, Tom swung his foot to kick Edd in the shin. Alas, he missed his target and stubbed his toe on the seat instead. He stifled a bear-like roar.

"Oh, Tom! Should I call..." Edd shot at Tom with twin finger guns, "a toe truck?"

Tom rubbed his throbbing foot through his checkered shoe. "Why are you guys only making jokes about me? That's not fair!"

"'That's not fair,' said Tom darkly." Edd imitated Tom using a new joke format.

"Ooh, Tom Swifties! Let me try! Let me try!" Matt clapped his hands as his deep blue eyes brightened, "'This is too hard,' said Tom uneasily."

"'I go out drinking every Sunday,' said Tom weakly."

"'Beep beep,' said Tom sheepishly."

"'I have no soul,' said Matt gingerly." Tom countered.

"Hey!"

"With his personality and level of intelligence, I can say that Matt is quite... shelf-ish." Tom remarked. At last, he ceased all resistance and joined in the punny fun.

"That's a good reflection!" Edd snapped a finger, "Matt's the kind of person who would admire himself in the mirror all day."

"Yeah, I could see myself doing that." Matt nodded.

Matt's unintended pun caused the three of them to laugh in chorus. Their laughter, though controlled volume-wise, was something cathartic, releasing them from the grip of worriness that roamed in the waiting room. They continued to do so for several minutes because of how good it felt.

"By the way, can we stop with the jokes for a while?" Matt asked, his cream-white skin flushed from laughing, "I'm trying to drink here."

"Go have your drink, Matt." said Edd while Matt was cracking open his can of iced lemon tea, "You're always one tea away from being stepped on."

"Edd!" Matt almost splashed his cold drink on the older man's smirking face.

"Man," Edd breathed in, grinning at his half-finished book, "my son would definitely love all these jokes about their uncles!"

"Wait," Tom widened his hollow eyes, "it's a boy?"

"It's supposed to be a surprise, dammit." Edd crossed his arms over his chest, "But it's okay, Uncle Tom will still be in charge of babysitting..."

"What?"

"And Uncle Matt will spoil him with the best presents every year!" announced Matt. "I have pictures for every occasion: birthdays, Christmas一"

"If you invite me to any of your Christmas parties," Tom pointed his index finger in Edd's direction, "I'll tell your kid straight away that Santa isn't real."

"Yes, Uncle Tom!" answered Edd with a straightened back and a sharp salute.

Matt tilted his head. "But what about Uncle Tord?" he blurted out.

Tom turned to Matt with a cold stare. Matt immediately realised what he just said and made himself smaller.

The three of them fell silent at the mention of his name. It reopened a wound they'd tried their best to bury. They could still remember Tord by the fun adventures they had together, but the memories were eclipsed by a single devastating event.

"I'm sure that he'll come back once he learned that communism will never work." Edd put a sympathetic hand on Matt's shoulder, "It has too many red flags."

"But how can we accept him again? After all that he did?" Tom asked, "He'd left us a lot of painful Marx."

"Lenin to forgive is something we'll eventually do." Edd said.

"If he won't keep Stalin with his apology, that is." Matt added.

Jokes aside, what would an Uncle Tord be like? Will he try to teach Edd's son Norwegian? Will he nickname the boy his 'little soldier' and take him on weekly trips to a shooting range? Will he tell exciting stories about his days in the army?

_If Tord chose to stay with them instead of running away with his giant robot, how would things change?_

"Wow, that joke was intense." said Matt, wiping imaginary sweat from his brow.

Edd leaned against the seat, resting his head on his interlaced palms, "Just like camping."

The chain of puns was finally broken when a nurse came out of the operating room, calling a name Edd knew very well.

After being given the green light, Edd's mouth curved into a smile and he sprinted to the nurse at lightning speed. "How’s the operation? Is she okay? How's the baby?" The nurse was at a loss for words as Edd kept bombarding the poor soul with his questions.

“Edd, stop torturing her.” said Tom.

"Oh, sorry." Edd looked down at the frightened nurse, "Um, uh, can I see my wife and baby, please?"

“Y-yes, p-please come with me,” the nurse stuttered as she began pacing forward.

“Oh, oh, Edd! Don't forget to shower your wife and baby with kisses from me!” said an excited Matt.

"Alright一oh, wait." Edd paused for a moment before giving Matt a glare, "Go kiss your own wife!"

“And take lots of pictures of little Edd!” Tom interjected.

“Arghh, fine. See you guys later.” Edd said just before leaving both of them in the waiting room, their happy faces and waving arms getting smaller and smaller. After taking two turns in the long hallway, Edd arrived at his wife’s delivery room. He thanked the guiding nurse and slowly opened the door.

The first thing that Edd saw was his wife’s beautiful smile as she cradled their newborn baby in her arms. His wife lifted her tired head when she noticed Edd by the door. She gestured for Edd to come and join them.

"Me?" Edd playfully pointed a finger to himself.

"Your son is here." she said while giving him her classic 'yes, you smeg head!' look.

Edd chuckled in embarrassment as he tiptoed inside, hunching his body to give his wife a light congratulatory kiss on the forehead.

"Do you already have a name?" asked the nurse.

"Yes." Edd nodded confidently, "It's Edd."

The nurse drew out a long, weary breath, "I mean, have you named your child yet?"

Edd was caught by surprise when his wife beckoned him to hold their baby. He was so in love with the new guy already, wanting to hold him tight, but Edd wasn't sure if he was ready. The boy looked so fragile and precious, like a glass bottle of cola. And Edd was afraid to break him.

His wife saw the hesitation in his eyes and gently handed him the baby, assuring him that he was ready. He just had to strike a balance between an elated squeeze and a stable hold. So, slowly and carefully, Edd took little Edd into his arms.

The boy felt so tiny and so warm in his embrace. A mop of brown hair framed his pink, round face. He's so chubby一like father, like son. Edd laughed at the thought as he held his son closer to his body. He swore to become his shield, his beacon of light and his best friend.

"Can I call him Edison?"

**Author's Note:**

> What do we get if we combine 24 Prince Matthews and 1 Detective Edward?
> 
> 24-carrot Gold.


End file.
